The Part That No One Tells You

Hello, I am a single mother and there are so many things that no one tells you it's not funny.  Today I realized that I have been afraid of being dis-guarded and rendered trivial by my child.  I have been afraid that I will become obsolete to him.  My mother stayed with me and my siblings for all of our early childhood and it really created a great bond between us.  As a single mother I don't really have that option anymore.  I've tried to stay by him as much as possible, but I also have a responsibility to support him because I am our head of household.  This breaks my heart.  I don't want to be the mommy that's always working and doesn't have time to be mommy.  It's not fair to him or to me, but I made decision a long time ago that I have to live with.  It makes me angry to think about it. This is not the mother that I wanted to be. The Bible talks about our treasure showing where our hearts are, and I have to invest in my son's security.  I pray that as I attempt to be both provider and nurturer that God would put his much on my little.  I am as broken as I can afford to get.  People see me, but I am not here.  I am hidden in the secret place crying in God's arms.  I am balled up on my insides trying not to fall apart.  Why am I hurting so badly?  It's because I refuse to give up.  I am enduring no matter how bad it looks or how bad it hurts.  I can't quit on my mission.  I take every hardship as an assignment from God and in my weakness his strength is made perfect.  I am lowered to show the glory of God.  Don't mistake my suffering for a failure of faith.  My story is not finished and God is the author and finisher of my faith.  My life is a testimony of God's goodness, but if I don't tell the story of brokenness there is no context for God's great story of restoration.  So here it is people.  I am a fixer, but I can't fix this.  I am broken beyond my ability to repair myself, and I am completely dependent on the grace and love of God. I am watching and waiting for him to show himself strong on behalf of me and my family.  I know that he is a healer because I've seen it before, and God is the same today, yesterday, and forever.