Journal of Faith: Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling Philippians 2:12

I watched the movie Country Strong at the suggestion of my mother a while ago, and the themes and music of that movie have never left me.  It talked about not being afraid to love, it showed that people can come back from devestation, and it showed that being honest with yourself and everyone else creates a freedom that no lie can bring. It made statements about what home really is and the power that our decisions have on other people.  I love watching movies because God uses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise.  Sometimes it takes a movie for me to realize something that I God has been trying to tell me.  The idea in this movie is that you can either excuse yourself or exceed your circumstances.  The main character in this movie did both. She first exceeded her past failures and then excused herself from continuing her journey.  The only thing wrong with this picture is that it was missing Jesus.  Thing country strong woman ...

I went back to my students to visit them this week, and I sang with them about letting their light shine.  It is funny that while I am telling them about how important it is to let their lights shine the Lord has been telling me the same thing.  "Don't stunt yourself or hide who you are.  Be what I told you that you can be.  All things are possible for you."  This is what the Lord is telling me at every turn.  I was driving today and the message came on the radio. Shine.  I was reading my emails and got a message from my elder. Shine.  The words came out of my own mouth when I was singing with my students. Shine.  I find that whenever I am about to do something unusual I constantly second guess myself.  That is perfectly normal.  I am very aware of my fallability, but there is no point in second guessing the work that God has placed before me.  When God gives an assignment it is not impossible to complete if I rely on G...

I normally try to be encouraging or in some way edifying, but lately I have desperately been in need of edification.  My struggles have become so great that I literally could not breathe in my house yesterday.  I had to just walk out to try to get air and pray.  My life is so inconvenient for me that people even interrupt me when I am in prayer sometimes at home.  I became so frustrated yesterday that I couldn't stand to see anyone in my family any longer.  I had to walk out.  I have been experiencing this feeling that I have been forced into a certain position in my family where all their issues overflow onto me.  I feel like the executive assistant of my family, and I am totally incapable of taking care of my own issues.  It is also an added frustration that my family is unable to help me with any of my issues.  They can't help me.  All they can do is try to encourage me which falls short because they are in so much...

I am writing this contemplation with tears in my eyes.  I am crying for myself because I let go of something that I wanted so badly that I feel like a part of me went with it. Believe it or not I am relieved at this crying because there is only one other reason that I cry.  My other cry is for the broken heart of God.   I cry this cry when something has gone terribly wrong for someone else or when I have done wrong and I feel like I have hurt the heart of God.  I am very aware that God feels, and I desire so much to be close to the heart of God that I can not hurt him or see someone else that he loves huting without feeling sorrow.  When I cry for myself it is because I am pushing forward through obstacles, feeling the pressured hand of God on me, or I have lost the feeling of God's presence. All of these feelings draw me in closer to the heart of God.  They feel terrible, but they let me know that God desires something from me. ...

As I was doing my worship time this evening I felt the overwhelming realization that I have been hiding behind my imperfections to the point of stagnating my education, my ministry, and my relationship opportunities .  I told myself that I couldn't go to school because I had my son.  I told myself I couldn't do ministry because I didn't know which one to do, and I told myself that I would not bother building relationships because I would only be disappointed and disappointing.  I said to myself too many times a little phrase that I don't even let in my classroom.  I said "I Can't"  to everything that might have caused me to be happy.  I even refused to take care of myself because I wanted people to see me "the way I really was."  I was hiding behind every imperfection and claiming it as my identity.  I sold God short.  I was pulling a Moses Moses felt like he was unqualified for the job as representative of Israel to Pharaoh because he had ...

I remember when I had my son.  I felt like I was going to explode, and doctors were scrambling to relieve the pressure.  the nurses ran to give me everything, and thank God for that.  I especially remember the moment when the doctors came to me to inform me that they needed to operate.  As soon as I gave them permission everything moved quickly and I became like the person from the operation game.  I was so tired that there was nothing I could do but lay there.   Today I feel like I am going to explode and the Lord has begun to operate on some of the most sensitive areas of my life. Taking friends here and there, moving opportunities in and out.  He is challenging my ideas for my future and my heart, but there is nothing that I can do but rest in his arms because I gave him permission. My life is completely out of my hands, and it is exhausting. I can only continue in this ...