Giving the Right Way

I go to a church that focuses on giving and finding ways to bless other people.  Since I am working a business and not in a regular job anymore I don't always have money to give.  When I do have money to give I get so excited and I am grateful to be able to give something, but recently the Lord showed me that even in my excitement to give I wasn't quite giving what God required.  After feeling horrible while an offering basket passed me without a contribution from me I prayed to the Lord to give me something to give, and the next week he did.  I was so happy that I would have something to give.  The money wasn't going to pay for anything that I needed so I figured the church could do better with it then I could, that was until it disappeared.  I was devastated.  I prayed about what to do with that money and it didn't seem right for it to go anywhere but to the church.  The next week I was not only sad but angry at myself.  When I finally found the money several weeks later I labeled it and enveloped it to make sure that it would go to the right place, and that very day the money went missing again.  Another several weeks went by and I began to say to God "Lord what is going on?  All I want to do is give you the money. I don't have much, but I want to give it to you.  Why won't the money go!"  I felt horrible because I felt like I had nothing to give God, but this week he showed me that there is more to give then money that I don't have.  God wanted me to see that he wants my heart.  He wants me to look for him and to consult him in my decisions.  He wants me to pursue his likeness and his fellowship.  I felt like I wasn't giving God anything because I wasn't able to give money in a basket, but God said that where my heart was there my treasure would be also.  God wants me to treasure him.  Giving is not a problem for me because I don't treasure materials like many people do, but I had to ask myself what was I holding on to that God wanted me to place in his hands.  Some people have such a struggle giving even the smallest bit, and for them giving is a sacrifice to show God that they trust him and love him more than money.  For me my sacrifice is not giving because I love doing that, but when it comes to what I do with my body that is a whole other issue.  Most people would think that I am talking about abstinence and while that is something that I am maintaining by the grace of God it goes deeper than that.  It has become about waking up earlier to make time for God even when I am tired.  It has become controlling my expressions of emotion.  It has become doing things that aren't required but are prudent.  My body is wild and I have to fight just to get out of bed in the morning.  My feelings run me like a jockey running a horse.  That is the part of me that God wants me to surrender over to him.  Giving money is not enough.  I have to give my self over completely.  Many people give their things without giving themselves. I know in my heart that when I really love something I give myself fully to it. I give God a lot of me, but I haven't quite given myself fully. God showed me that. I prayed to God to show me my heart and, I know that he heard me because after I realized what he was telling me the money showed up.  Yes the money that went missing for several months. My eagerness to give was getting in the way of me seeing what God wanted more than what I couldn't give (how am I suppose to give God money when I literally don't have it).  God doesn't need my money God asks for as a show of obedience, submission, and trust.  God wants me to give from the heart those things that are difficult to hand over. He said to give him our heaviness, our burdens,  and take on his yolk.  We are suppose to give God those things that are difficult for us, those things that keep us from being more like him.  We can only give God an offering from what we have, and even when we literally don't have money we can still give God the offering of ourselves. God doesn't want me to feel bad about what I don't have to give him, he wants me to be determined to give him all that I do have to give. For clarity purposes this doesn't mean that "I designated money to go somewhere else" type of   "don't have it". I mean no money coming in don't have it.  When it comes down to it all we have to give is our trust.  Whatever we trust God with is what we give.  I would encourage anyone including myself to also give God everything we can't trust ourselves with.  You know what I mean and you know what you struggle with.  Be blessed whoever you are.