My Safe Place
Security is a huge necessity for me which is no surprise since I am a woman. All my life I have been in search of my safe places. It seemed to me when I was younger that most people found that security in loving relationships and recognition from achievements so I dived in hard. I was always a cuddly girl, and I clung on to my parents like a koala bear. I have such wonderful parents that they allowed it and gave me a great secure foundation of love. I did pretty well when it came to the achievement portion too. I went far to please my parents all the time, and I was good at it. I didn't consider it much of a struggle because I was enjoying my life. I did things that I enjoyed well and then shared it with my parents who gave me both love and recognition. They were with out doubt my safe place for many years, and sometimes they still are.
Things were all secure for me until I got to school. In order to feel secure at school I needed to gain affection and recognition from the people at my school. My parents couldn't be my safe place at school because they were out of range. So I went about trying to make friends and tried to do everything that my teachers told me. It worked out okay. I was a good student, and I was a girl scout. I did have issues with a lot of the boys at school though. No matter what I did they didn't like me and they made fun of my studious ways. Fortunately for me I had another trick in my arsenal. I was athletic, and I decided to make myself worthy by taking on everything that the boys said a girl couldn't do. I didn't gain their love, but I did gain their respect and a solid reputation. It worked out great until about 5th grade.
Once puberty hit I was in real trouble. Boys were liking girls and I was losing my friends to "relationships". My safe place was all but obliterated. Now, I thought, my only safe place would be to have a boyfriend like all the other girls. When that didn't happen I had what I believe to be my first school age melt down. I felt like I was defective. That is about as unsafe as it gets for a young pubescent 5th grader. My hair was the wrong length, my skin was the wrong color, and I wasn't popular. This struggle continued until I did have a boyfriend when I was 16 years old!
I fell in love when I was 16 and he became my safe place, but he wasn't really safe for me. I ended up in all sorts of wrong situations that I wouldn't even have considered on my own. Thank God I never ended up high or drunk anywhere, but my life just wasn't what I knew I wanted. I thought everything was okay as long as I could hug him, hold his hand, call him, look into his eyes. Everything else seemed okay when it was just us against the world. That lasted longer then it should have, and once it was over I felt totally exposed. I felt more unsafe then ever because I had molded us together in my mind, heart, and body. I felt stripped.
I didn't completely lose myself in my first love by the grace of God. I was starting to remember who I was, and when I left the state for school I sort of became my own safe place. My parents taught me to "take home with me" in so much that when I went to college I was able to adjust because I brought who I was with me. It still wasn't enough for me, and I started the affection and recognition game again. I didn't do it on purpose, but it was just a part of my process by this point. I just wanted to belong somewhere, and I found those places through both blessed and painful experiences.
Where is my safe place now? I was just worshiping and the Lord told me as clear as day," I am your safe place. Let me be that for you." I know this is right because this is what my spirit has been begging for. Even as I listen to my music choices now, they tell the story of my heart and God's heart toward me. I am drawn to people and music that declares God the safe place. It is like little evidences to me that I can trust God to never change his mind about me. I am in the fight of my life to just give God every part of me; to hold nothing back from him. I didn't know what I hadn't given over until today. There is a trust piece in each of out relationships with God that can totally change our existence. It is that piece where we stop depending on our skills and intellect to navigate life in an attempt to control everything. It's the relinquishing of our command. God won't snatch the helm of our lives, but we have to step down. This is where I am, and I am fighting to let go. I know that life will drastically change for me when I move from instructor to student in my life. This is not a story of arrival, but it is a story of revelation. Thank you Lord for revelation.
Things were all secure for me until I got to school. In order to feel secure at school I needed to gain affection and recognition from the people at my school. My parents couldn't be my safe place at school because they were out of range. So I went about trying to make friends and tried to do everything that my teachers told me. It worked out okay. I was a good student, and I was a girl scout. I did have issues with a lot of the boys at school though. No matter what I did they didn't like me and they made fun of my studious ways. Fortunately for me I had another trick in my arsenal. I was athletic, and I decided to make myself worthy by taking on everything that the boys said a girl couldn't do. I didn't gain their love, but I did gain their respect and a solid reputation. It worked out great until about 5th grade.
Once puberty hit I was in real trouble. Boys were liking girls and I was losing my friends to "relationships". My safe place was all but obliterated. Now, I thought, my only safe place would be to have a boyfriend like all the other girls. When that didn't happen I had what I believe to be my first school age melt down. I felt like I was defective. That is about as unsafe as it gets for a young pubescent 5th grader. My hair was the wrong length, my skin was the wrong color, and I wasn't popular. This struggle continued until I did have a boyfriend when I was 16 years old!
I fell in love when I was 16 and he became my safe place, but he wasn't really safe for me. I ended up in all sorts of wrong situations that I wouldn't even have considered on my own. Thank God I never ended up high or drunk anywhere, but my life just wasn't what I knew I wanted. I thought everything was okay as long as I could hug him, hold his hand, call him, look into his eyes. Everything else seemed okay when it was just us against the world. That lasted longer then it should have, and once it was over I felt totally exposed. I felt more unsafe then ever because I had molded us together in my mind, heart, and body. I felt stripped.
I didn't completely lose myself in my first love by the grace of God. I was starting to remember who I was, and when I left the state for school I sort of became my own safe place. My parents taught me to "take home with me" in so much that when I went to college I was able to adjust because I brought who I was with me. It still wasn't enough for me, and I started the affection and recognition game again. I didn't do it on purpose, but it was just a part of my process by this point. I just wanted to belong somewhere, and I found those places through both blessed and painful experiences.
Where is my safe place now? I was just worshiping and the Lord told me as clear as day," I am your safe place. Let me be that for you." I know this is right because this is what my spirit has been begging for. Even as I listen to my music choices now, they tell the story of my heart and God's heart toward me. I am drawn to people and music that declares God the safe place. It is like little evidences to me that I can trust God to never change his mind about me. I am in the fight of my life to just give God every part of me; to hold nothing back from him. I didn't know what I hadn't given over until today. There is a trust piece in each of out relationships with God that can totally change our existence. It is that piece where we stop depending on our skills and intellect to navigate life in an attempt to control everything. It's the relinquishing of our command. God won't snatch the helm of our lives, but we have to step down. This is where I am, and I am fighting to let go. I know that life will drastically change for me when I move from instructor to student in my life. This is not a story of arrival, but it is a story of revelation. Thank you Lord for revelation.
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