We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (see Revelation 12:11) Freedom is in the truth; of my struggles and God's grace. This is my eye witness testimony.
It's Hard to Believe He Loves Me
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It is my daily struggle to believe the most basic of all Christian principles; it is hard to believe that God loves me. Some days are better than others, but every day is a struggle. It is easy to deductively analyze my life and say, "Yeah, it doesn't add up. It can't possibly be right." It may be easy for other people to look at me and say, "you're a wonderful woman of God. He's proud of you." They don't see everything. They don't know what God and I know about me. They don't know every time I thought something mean or hateful. They don't know every deceptive things I've done. They don't know every time I didn't speak up for what was right for my own personal gain. They don't know my tendencies or my secret sins. When I look at the pile up from the past twenty something years, it is devastating to me. It's easy to chalk it all up and conclude that I am unlovable. I am guessing that I am not the only one that has felt this way before. Thanks be to God that he loved me so much he sent Jesus Christ to pay for my messed up, sin riddled life with his perfect life. God pushed through the grime to get to me and he isn't letting me go. He isn't letting you go either. God has seen it all, and he loves us. He has seen what we haven't even seen about ourselves yet, and he loves us. He knows what we like, and he loves us. He knows what we're addicted to and he loves us. He knows who we've done wrong, and he loves. He knows our premeditated evil, and he loves us. He knows the things that we got away with, and he loves us. He knows it all; he knew it all from the beginning. He loves us. There is no question, and no prerequisite. He loves us, period. God is not for everything that we do, but he is always for us. As I unwrap the tangles and knots of my life, God is showing me who I am, and it hurts, but he is also showing me that he is not going anywhere. He is pulling me up out of the muck and into the sunshine. The Lord has required me to open up my pack and show him what I've been carrying on my journey of faith, and it has made me tired and frail. Every time I think it's enough the Lord tells me to go deeper into my pack, dig deeper into myself. It's hard to think someone loves you when they are exposing your most vulnerable of places, and cutting away the shield at your most sensitive of areas. He's cutting away all of the superficial flourishes and getting down to roots of my struggles. At this point there is no turning away, no "I'm not ready yet." There is no "I have to go to the bathroom" or "I forgot to do..." All I have to hold on to now is the promised Word that God loves me. No matter what this world tries to show me or tell me, I am determined to hold on to the truth that if no one else in this world loves me, God does. I am also determined that no matter what, I will be the second person to love me. If God can love me, than I can love me. Unconditional love isn't earned or lost. It is simply given by choice. God has chosen to love me and he has chosen to love you too. This is salvation, that we accept God's love and forgiveness through Jesus Christ his only son who died on a cross and rose again to prepare a place for us in heaven so that we could live with him as his kingdom kids. Everything in this world is trying to stop us from accepting God's love because if we do accept his love, then there is nothing in this world that can measure up to it or separate us from it. Lord,Thank you for loving us while we were yet sinners, and when we forget how much you love us. Help us to rest in your love and not need to wrestle with it so much. Help us to hold on to your promises and let go of every lie, or obsolete truth, that this world has ever told us about ourselves and about you. In Jesus name, Amen
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