Love, marriage, and sex

 July 4th is my wedding anniversary.  My husband and I who met when we were 16 got married after several years of us dating and not dating.  He asked me to marry him at least 3 times, and the last time he just told me we were getting married and proposed after we had almost completely planned the wedding.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised since, according to him, we had been dating for 3 months by the time I finally realized it.  He asked me to "roll with him" and this girl right here thought he was asking her to go somewhere together not be his girlfriend!  Our marriage journey wasn't ideal.  I was pregnant for the second time (insert eye roll here).  I didn't marry him though just because I was pregnant.  I had already turned him down once while pregnant.  I married him because I could see that he was all in and I was ready to be all in too.  He was offering me his whole life and he seemed to know what that meant.  He was ready and so was I.  Even though we met at 16, we tied the knot at 28.  We never lived together, but we did have a child at 21 and at 28 were expecting again.  This was not the norm for me as I was not a sexually active person.  I wanted to wait until marriage because I believed it was the way that God intended.  No messiness.  Well, things got messy with my husband and the reason I believe is that I put love and sex together when they are actually two separate things. Love is full acceptance of who someone is as well as who they are not and a willingness to do life together, apart, and/or for each other; whichever is right for all involved.  It is to sacrifice one's comfort and sometimes safety to be there for one another how .  If is forgiving whether they say sorry or not, it is never losing hope in their future and present. 

From the first time he said, I love you, I always thought of him as mine.  We broke up several times, but he was still mine.  We dated other people, but he was still mine.  I rejected his marriage proposal while pregnant and not even dating, but he was still mine. The problem with this mindset is that he wasn't mine.  The reason why we shouldn't be having sex outside of marriage is because that person doesn't belong to us.  The minute I started to think of him as mine, I started messing up.  I gave him and myself access that we hadn't earned, and in the end it was the reason for every time that we broke up.   Its like the difference between the person with the shopping list buying their groceries and the person eating food off the rack because they are hungry.  One is accomplished by planning and the other is driven by desire and desperation.  When I met my husband I had my plan in place, but it is always a bad idea to go shopping when you're hungry.  

Saying "I love you" is not the same as saying "I do".  It is an expression of a feeling that should be known by how they treat you, and how they make decisions.  "I love you" should be a confirmation of the importance that you have in someone's life, and it should be the last evidence of it.  I love you should at least in the other person's mind have a response of "I knew it already."  God proved his love to us by sending Jesus in our stead to cleanse us from all unrighteousness through his blood. So should we prove our love to others. If you love your mate, commit to proving it and put your life on the dotted line.  

  Acting married when you aren't is like opening a bag of food and eating it while you are in the store.  Its theft until you have paid the cost, and its embarrassing.  Even if everyone does it, its still not right.  Even if you are hungry, its still not okay.  I have been in situations where people have been so desperate and impatient that they were ringing up empty bags at the register. Would they have died if they waited, no.  They just wanted to relieve the immediate discomfort.  If someone wants your commitment, make them pay full investment first and you pay in full first too. Marriage with financial, physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional preparation is the full investment.  It doesn't mean that everything has to be perfect, but you should have a plan and a method in place for your futures. Get your grocery list together for your marriage and stick to it.  Get what you need for your life together and then pay full price with your bags unopened.  Eating from an open bag tastes stale anyway.  If you love them and you believe its forever, why wouldn't you prepare to make it great and then tell them in front of the whole world, God, the government, and your family that this is your person and you are their person for life?

If you say you are committed but don't want to get married, what are you committed to?  You don't trust either yourself or the other person enough to put all of your chips on the table and pay full price. You are not all in, and that's what it means to be committed.  Jesus put every chip on the table for us when he was born into this world, lived to 33, and then died innocently on a cross after being mocked, beaten, and stripped.  He was committed all way to his death and beyond because after he died, he went to hell for us too.  That is what full commitment looks like.  If you aren't willing to close the door on other romantic relationships by cementing your current one then you aren't committed to the relationship, but to your freedom to walk away.  If you love them, like them, trust them, then why not make plans and marry them?

 Okay, lets talk about playing house. There are plenty of ways that you can get to know someone besides having sex and/or moving in.  The next steps in a relationship after learning the superficial things is to have the harder conversations.  What is your credit score? Where do you want to settle down? What would you want your family to look like?  Are there any underlying health conditions that could be passed down?  How much money are we making right now?  How much do we need?  How is your relationship with God and how does that effect your views of marriage?  Did you experience abuse/addiction?  Did you see abuse/addiction?  How is their relationship with their family?  Do you want that to be the same or different from your family?  How many relationships have you been in, how serious were they,  and how is your relationship with them now?  Who do you owe?  What is your parenting philosophy? Financial philosophy? Gender philosophy? Marriage Philosophy? Working philosophy? Cleaning Philosophy? Arguing philosophy?  You can shop with them and find out how they view money.  You can watch them with kids and discuss your plans to find out how they feel about parenting.  You can cook together to see what your skill level is.  If you want to know if they snore, ask their family.  If you want to know what their temper is like, watch them at a high stakes game.  It doesn't take  pretending you're married with someone and compromising yourself in order to know them. What is compromising? I define seeking/getting what you want and not what you need to be compromising as well as settling for what you can tolerate and/or afford instead of what you need and want.  Imitation is always different than the genuine article.  Don't settle for a pretend marriage. They are not a toy and neither are you.  I would rather you wait and get what you really need and want than you waste my time and effort for something that isn't the real deal and won't last. 

 Saving money is not a good enough reason to give someone else access to your life that they haven't earned. Its prostitution.  I know that sounds harsh and I am not saying anything about character here. I am just defining what playing house with someone to secure living expenses is in employment terms.  I would even go so far as to say that marrying someone to get your home and living expenses paid for is also prostitution, but at least you have a legally binding employment contract.  I don't believe money is not a good reason to move in or get married. Making any decision primarily based on money can lead to making unwise decisions for a temporary comfort. You need to believe that you can make it without compromising yourself.  There are all types of programs to help you get your money and housing together.  You don't have to depend on another person for your life security.

Engagement is like layaway.  If you've never experienced layaway, it is a program in some stores where you tell them what you would like to buy later and they put it aside for you.  Then you make payments on it until its paid and you can take it home.  Engagement is for the purposes of preparing for your life together in marriage, not just for a wedding.  Don't waste it fooling around.  Get your self ready to be their spouse.  Clear as much debt as you can if you have any.  Get into counseling and deal with your issues because your mental, emotional, and spiritual health matters.  Go work out and eat healthy.  Spend time with good married people and watch them!  Talk more to your future spouse and if possible spend more time with their family.  Pray, pray, pray and listen, listen, listen, and watch, watch, watch. Some things only come out when the other person thinks that they have you secured.  Just like layaway, if they don't follow through like they should, then you go back on the shelf.  The marriage vows are the last payment that both you and your spouse pay before being able to go home.  

Marriage is God's design and therefore God gets the first and last say in it. When you realize what Jesus has done for all of us so that we could be together, it has a major effect on how you view marriage. Scripture defines marriage as a representation of Christ's relationship to the church.  The man represents Christ and the woman represents the church.  In this you see preparation, honor, trust, sacrifice, love, respect, and dedication.  Nothing is held back and there is no room for selfishness or pride.  Neither party is looking for a way out or suspicious of betrayal.  There is a deep appreciation and acceptance, and there is no shame to be had.  There is no fear of marriage, but diligence and anticipation.   I've seen nothing more admirable and beautiful than a holy marriage and family.   The wife looks completely secure in herself and her spouse, the husband looks proud of his wife and grateful for his family, and the kids look relaxed and confident.  This is what I want for my family and every other family.  Let's get it right.